Over the UVM winter break, my aunt hung up her boxing gloves in her fight against Melanoma. Her memorial services were scheduled Friday and Saturday, in New Jersey. After a week off from work, a hectic "hit the ground at a sprint" four-day week was turned into a three-day week.
I find myself yet again experiencing an incredible contract between my two current organizational culture. As I tried to get out the door, at the Larner College of Medicine, people scrambled to access me, ask one last question, and get that one last item. I had informed leadership and team members of my situation and, although they were aware of why I was trying to leave, they couldn't help pushing to get a little more output from me to support their output/tasks. The driving conditions were the worst they'd been this season, and I found myself walking out the door a full hour after I had intended and submitted. I left crazed. I had no room to even think of where I was going and what I was actually heading into.
Heading toward the memorial activities, I compartmentalized well and had a solid wall built around my heart. The Friday evening session and Saturday service did it's handiwork; I cracked open and faced the loss of an aunt who had been very present in my life and someone very dear to me. When I returned to work on Monday, I was more vulnerable, tired, and depressed. I received a hug from a colleague, however, it was back to output output output.
And then I found myself at Mercy, today. Jo tells me to only do what I feel up for right now, take the time I need, sit with my feelings. She shares with me that taking the time my body demands now will make me better and more productive later. And then, she hands me a card. All of the Mercy Connections staff have signed personal messages to me about my loss; I see their names and know their faces. Comments including letting my aunts light shine on in me and how their thoughts are with me and my family scatter across the paper - sincere outreach from a group that deeply cares. I know I am loved and valued. The card included a poem: "On the Death of the Beloved" by John O'Donohue. Here is some of my favorite passages:
"...Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.
We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves...
...Let us not look for you only in memory.
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal notes..."
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.
We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves...
...Let us not look for you only in memory.
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal notes..."
I set down the poem on my work table and took a long, deep breath, and I felt closer to my Aunt Greta than I had since sitting with her family and friends, surrounded by her photos. More importantly, I felt at peace with her loss in a way I didn't think was possible after my long week of grinding work and hidden deep deep sadness. For a moment, it even felt beautiful.
Not long after reading the card, Dolly wandered by my workspace. I thanked her for the card and told her how much the included poem moved me. She immediately responded, "Yes; John Donohue is such an incredible poet. He can write about anything and he really gets to the bottom of true emotion and experience." She was fully aware of what had been given to me - the card was not just an automated tradition/action. Her full knowledge of the exchange further supported my sense of being truly valued and seen in this organization.
I must learn how such heart and soul are nurtured - permeating so strongly across an organization. I feel what it does for me and imagine this sense of being authentically appreciated, valued, and loved touches everyone who enters the space. There is great power in emanating this in everything the Mercy Connections team does. People want to be here, they gravitate to the space, they volunteer their time, they give their money.
Mercy continues to surprise me in the most beautiful ways.
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