Let "The Mercy Way" In (AKA Fighting the Little Voice in My Head)

Professor Killeen, Jo, and I met to go over Jo and I's internship proposal this past Monday. Kieran showed up promptly at 11am, when we were scheduled to meet for a full hour. Jo greeted him and offered a cup of tea/coffee and then a tour - something offered to every person who comes to Mercy. 30 minutes into our scheduled meeting time, we are still meeting people around the office, discussing the history of Mercy Connections, and Jo and Kieran our learning community connections they have in common.

A small string of anxiety tugged in my brain - I wondered if Kieran is anxious to go over the proposal and get back to campus. However, he looked at ease - better yet, he looked to be authentically enjoying himself. Yet, I still found myself fighting the urge to say things along the lines of, "Well, this was lovely, but maybe we should get to it?" Or "Well, I bet we could do this forever, but we all know we have this thing we need to do..."

I found myself in a similar position this evening. I arrived, pulled out my laptop, and was ready to go. "Shall we throw ourselves together an agenda?" I asked Jo. "Why don't you all take some time to arrive," she said to Kelly Moran (Justice & Mentoring Mentee Coordinator), Ried (a fellow intern, working in the education side), and I. We all looked at each other. Kelly shrugged, and said, "Well alright then." We sat for a time, shooting the breeze, getting to know each other. But there was that small part of my brain, again, screaming to get moving, set myself to a task, get things done.

What is WRONG with me? I thought. I can't seem to sit still for very long - to just be present, in the moment, with people. Even when it's a volunteer gig, I find myself driven to maximize output.

I can't shake the important aspect of leadership and program management Jo keeps mentioning - the

encounter. My mind is always in a million places at once, completing one task while mapping out the next three. This comes at a cost: I fail to fully focus, authentically listen, and be 100% present with people. These are traits often highlighted when discussing the content of a great leader's character.

This internship is clearly EXACTLY what I need. Jo is going to make me "work." In that, I mean she is going to challenge me to do a different kind of work - to fight the little voice inside my head that labels task completion the only kind of productivity.