The Light is Out; Time to Go Find It

I met with a former colleague, a friend, and a mentor for lunch yesterday. I sought a lunch meeting with Suzy Comerford because I knew her in a past life - when I was the program manager for the Think College Vermont program. I place on this internship the desire to find meaning in my work; I miss lighting up in what I do - feeling like I am channeling my skills for good.

You see, I already had an internship established last summer. It was SO convenient. I secured a mentor within my department, at the college of medicine. We were going to work together to develop a leadership curriculum for our medical students - I could make an aspect of my paid job count toward my internship.

But it was much of the same in a place I've discovered brings me no joy and no sense of meaning. The internship, I realized, could be an opportunity to see outside the academic institution of UVM - somewhere I'd been for years. I decided I wanted to explore how I might be able to redirect my skills to my local community.

During the lunch, Suzy asked pointed questions regarding what I love, what I'd like to do, where I'd like to be. I told her I needed a good mentor; I was in a place where I was searching - I needed to find purpose and meaning in my work. I told her I wanted to "light up" again, as I had when I first arrived at UVM.

After pulling together some highlights and after she'd given me a list of potential mentors, Suzy paused. She looked me in the eye and she told me she was worried about me. She said, when she first knew me, in my role as the program manager for Think College, I exuded positive and contagious energy. I glowed and was a true instrument of change and incredible work. She said this light in me wasn't lost, but it was clearly currently snuffed out. She challenged me to go and find it.

I've been studying the characteristics of quality leaders and organizations, all the while, seeing contradictions to my studies in everyday of my work life. I wish to find a place where my new toolkit can be applied, where I can move initiatives forward and build energy and inspiration. I wish to free myself from the current situation, where my energy and inspirations are silenced and I tread on eggshells as to not overstep power hierarchies and the expectations of archaic institutional culture. I need to go where my talents are appreciated. I need to go where my inner light can be nurtured, fed to burn as a furnace, powering a machine of positive change in my communities. I am determined to find my light again.